Heading to Hopkins (Again)

Hi friends- Last Tuesday when we went up to Hopkins, my doctor wasn't able to see me. He was suddenly able to work us in today, so we'll be heading up in a few minutes for a 12:30 appointment. So grateful for your prayers. How I need them.


"Your way was through the sea, Your path through the great waters; yet Your footprints were unseen.  You led your people like a flock..." Psalm 77:19

Mists and Fogs

Hi friends,

So sorry for the long silence. We did go up to Hopkins a few weeks ago, but my doctor was stuck in procedure, so the appointment ended up getting pushed until tomorrow at 12:30. God has continued to keep me and carry me through some incredibly difficult moments. He has enabled me to increase my feeding tube's flow rate and also put on a few pounds. All glory to Him! 

Even so, there are still no answers or relief in sight for the complexity of symptoms I am experiencing. There are many moments when taking just one more step feels like the the most impossible of impossibilities. Tonight, it is hard to simply squeeze these words out in the midst of the pain, but I am so aware that every time I want to give up, I have a God who will not let me. He continues to carry me onward and never fails. Never. No matter how many times I fail. And that's a lot! Again and again, I see His hand of sustaining mercy and infinite kindness. He continues to use your prayers to keep me. Thank you so very much.

Tonight, I long to simply rest in Jesus. To know that if I have Him, I have everything. All I need. My body may not be able to rest; I may suffer; I may not know what the next moment holds; my life may be spiraling out of my control, but true reality is that my life has never been in my control. I am in His hands. 

He knows the way I take, and I want to wait expectantly for His rescue and deliverance. If you could pray that I would truly know these things in my heart, I would be so grateful. You can also pray for wisdom and clarity for the doctor and my family as we navigate these deep waters. It is difficult to see the way ahead, but I know my God sees clearly and that is enough. 

So grateful for each of you. And deeply humbled and blessed by your constant care.

What if, sometimes, there are mists and fogs so thick that I cannot see the path? ‘Tis enough that You hold my hand, and guide me in the darkness; for walking with You in the gloom–is far sweeter and safer than walking alone in the sunlight!

Dear Lord, give me grace to trust You wholly, whatever may befall; yielding myself up to Your leading, and leaning hard on You when “dangers are in the path.” Your way for me has been marked out from all eternity, and it leads directly to Yourself and home!" - Susannah Spurgeon

Hopkins Tomorrow

Hello friends - this is going to be brief for which I apologize (it's been hard to write lately but when I can, I will). Tomorrow, my parents and I have a 12:30 follow-up appointment with my doctor at Hopkins. We continue to need the Lord's help and wisdom and trust He will lead, provide, and uphold as He has faithfully done each step of the way. I am so very grateful for your prayers. My symptoms continue to be intense and difficult to cope with, but in each moment, He never forsakes me. How grateful I am that this does not change according to how I feel but remains true because of who He IS.

This quote, sent by a dear friend, has blessed me so much in recent days:

Times of adversity are seasonable times to trust in God. When we have no bread to eat, or water to drink, but only afflictions and astonishments, this is a time not for over-grieving, murmuring, sinking, desponding, despairing, but for trusting. In a tempest a believer must cast his anchor upward. Trust is a believer's choicest antidote against fainting, swooning, and sinking...Amidst all storms, winds, and tempests, yea, in a hurricane of sorrow and misery, faith knows where and how to cast anchor. “Let not your hearts be troubled” (John 14:1)...God has extraordinary means to bear us up when ordinary ones fail. He can turn poisons into antidotes, hindrances into furtherances, and destructions into deliverances. The ravens give Elijah food. A whale becomes Jonah's ship, and pilot too. An Almighty God can work without means. God often brings His people into such a condition that they do not know what to do. He does this that they might know what He can do. God is with His people at all times, but He is most sweetly with them in the worst of times. - Thomas Lye

Thanking Him afresh for each of you tonight and asking the Lord to once more "turn the darkness before me into light."

Charissa


"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him. Truly He is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Fortress, I will never be shaken." - Psalm 62:1-2

"As Bright as the Day"

Dear friends-

Is everything dark right now? If so, I want to remind you, as I am even now reminding myself, that even the blackest darkness, the deepest night, the most seemingly hopeless pit is not dark to Him. Today has been one of those days when light was hard to find, yet it is into this darkness that the words of David, the psalmist, offer us incredible hope.

"Even the darkness is not dark to You;

the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You." 

~ Psalm 139:12

I may not see light. I may not see the way ahead. I don't even know what the next moment will bring! But there is One Who does. And for Him "the night is bright as the day." What a hope this brings. The darkness may be all-encompassing, pressing in on every side, suffocating. But He is greater still. The darkness will never overcome Him. It will never overwhelm Him. He will always see, and because He sees us in the midst of our darkness, we can be assured that He will carry us safely through it and back into the light. 

How can I have this assurance? Because His Son, Jesus, tasted the deepest, blackest darkness ever known when He suffered in my place and took my punishment. Once I was separated from God, but now I belong to Him forever, and no darkness can  keep me from Him or from the glories that await me in Heaven.

In the face of all my fears, in the face of the blackest darkness, or the most hopeless of circumstances, I can sing these words from one of my favorite songs: No fear can hold me down // Nor darkness steal my joy // For blood has been poured out // The enemy destroyed.

He has triumphed. The outcome is already secured. May that bring you hope today, regardless of what you see in or around you. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

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Medical Update

Thank you all for your prayers for my Hopkins appointment last Tuesday. I definitely felt them, and God was faithful and kind to carry me through. The appointment was brief (practically five minutes), but clear directions were given. My doctor believes I should continue on my tube feeding at present and not move to TPN - a direct answer to your prayers! He asked me to work on increasing my tube feeding flow rate and said he would consider beginning testing later this month.

Over the past week, I've increased my flow rate a few notches, and God continues to sustain me through the pain and uphill climb. I have had some incredibly difficult days/moments as well as some brighter ones. He is good at all times, but those brighter moments have truly been precious gifts, shining all the brighter against the backdrop of the darkness. And in the midst of it all, I continue to be overwhelmed by your prayers and kindnesses. Thank you.

Praise God for answered prayer:

• No TPN for now.
• Ability to continue to move forward, one moment at a time.
• A gradual increase in weight.
• Daily mercies and kindnesses - more than can be counted!

Here are a few ways to pray:

• Ability to continue to tolerate my current flow rate and increase it.
• Weight gain and alleviation of the pain/complexity of symptoms.
• Wisdom regarding where to continue PT, as my home services are ending this Wednesday.
• Restorative sleep.
• That my immune system would be strengthened (my WBC is currently at one of its lowest points).
• That God would enable me to continue to persevere, especially whenever the next step seems impossible. (I know He will. The battle is just so intense. But He has already won the victory!)
• That He would bring across my path anything that would help put together the pieces of this puzzle and bring healing. 
• Peace and rest of body, mind, and heart.
• That He would be glorified in my great weakness.

"Thank you" just does not seem adequate, but I will say it anyway. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For every prayer. They are heard. They are answered. They make a difference.

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"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You." - Psalm 39:7

"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." - 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

"Day Follows Night"

Dear friends,

Tomorrow, at noon, I will have an appointment with my doctor at Hopkins. We’ll be discussing where I’m at as well as next steps. I would be grateful for your prayers that God would guide both the doctor and my parents and me. Thank you!

As I continue to wait on the Lord for His deliverance, I know that I am only kept from moment to moment by His strength and grace. Tonight is particularly difficult. Thank you for praying for me. The climb up this mountain is steeper than I ever dreamed, yet He does take me “from strength to strength” (Psalm 84:7).

Here is a reading from Spurgeon that my dad shared with me the other day. It speaks directly to my struggles and fears, and I wanted to share it with you, along with a few thoughts which will follow.

Why am I mourning? - Psalm 42:9

Can you answer this, believer? Can you find any reason why you are so often mourning instead of rejoicing? Why yield to gloomy anticipations? Who told you that the night would never end in day? Who told you that the sea of circumstances would ebb out until there would be nothing left but long leagues of the mud of horrible poverty? Who told you that the winter of your discontent would proceed from frost to frost, from snow, and ice, and hail, to deeper snow, and yet more heavy tempest of despair? Do you not know that day follows night, that flood comes after ebb, that spring and summer succeed winter? Hope then! Hope always! For God does not fail you. Do you not know that your God loves you in the midst of all this? Mountains, when hidden by darkness, are just as real as in the day, and God’s love is as true to you now as it was in your bright moments. No father always chastens: your Lord hates the rod as much as you do; he only cares to use it for that reason which should make you willing to receive it, namely, that it works your lasting good. You shall yet climb Jacob’s ladder with the angels, and behold him who sits at its top — your covenant God. You shall yet, amidst the splendours of eternity, forget the trials of time, or only remember them to bless the God who led you through them, and worked out your lasting good by them. Come, sing in the midst of tribulation. Rejoice even while passing through the furnace. Make the wilderness to blossom like the rose! Cause the desert to ring with your exulting joys, for these light afflictions will soon be over, and then “for ever with the Lord,” your bliss shall never wane. – C.H. Spurgeon (Evening – July 21st)

How quickly hope can slip out of sight. Yet, there WILL be a dawn, a spring, an end to the darkness. It may lie around the next bend, or it may come with the dawn of Eternity’s splendor, but either way, it is coming and coming soon. Our conception of time, especially when suffering, is limited. It can seem like forever. But only Eternity is forever. And all my days have been written in His book (Psalm 139:16). He not only knows their number but every joy and sorrow that fills them. He keeps me through each moment of glory or agony, and He will keep me“until the morning dawns and the shadows flee away” (Song of Sol.).

Thank you for waiting with me through the long, dark night and assuring me of the coming dawn.

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. – Psalm 126:5-6

Thank You for Praying

Hello friends,

Thank you for praying for me. Over the past few weeks, God has enabled me to increase the flow rate of my tube feeding (allowing more calories to be taken in), and I have managed to tolerate the higher flow, despite the difficult symptoms that come. I have also been able to sip tiny amounts of water over the past few days. Neither have come easy, but these are both answers to your prayers!

The battle to endure continues to be quite difficult, but God is my Keeper, and He has never failed me yet. As I wrestle through the daily struggles, something I recently read by Joni Eareckson Tada has been a great help, and I want to share it with you:

"God permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves." I can smile knowing God is accomplishing what He loves in my life - Christ in me, the hope of glory. And this is no Plan B for my life, but His good and loving Plan A.

I can rest in knowing that none of this is a mistake. God is allowing it all for my good, and He is forming Christ in me, even when I cannot see it. He is so much wiser than me.

Thank you all for your prayers. I cannot tell you how MUCH they are sustaining me. I have seen a direct correlation between moments of barely functioning, followed by a period of dramatic improvement, and then hearing that friends had been praying at that exact time. Don't grow weary, for He is using your prayers to carry me through! How desperately I need Him, and how grateful I am that He has given me such friends as each of you.

I will do my best to update more once I have details regarding the doctor's appointment, etc.

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You." - Psalm 39:7

Blessings Through Raindrops?

I first heard the song, “Blessings,” by Laura Story earlier this summer and was immediately struck by its coupling of honesty and beauty. In the face of unanswered questions, pain, and heartache, it speaks of a deeper Reality, an achingly beautiful hope.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if the thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I know that thirst well. Most moments I simply long to be free from the suffering, and though this road has grown harder than I ever expected, yet with each aching step, God is gently teaching me that pain can truly be a gift. Whether experiencing heartache or loss, beauty or joy, deep inside us lies a longing that no person, place, possession, experience, or even relief from suffering can fully satisfy. Something is always left wanting. Missing. It is never enough. Yet, every moment of agony, sorrow, loss, and disappointment is a mercy when it serves to turn our gaze to Heaven and increases our longing for what awaits us there. And even the sweetest and most glorious moments of good and beauty in this life merely offer us a foretaste of what awaits. Before we can take hold of them, they have slipped away, leaving us unsatisfied, hungering for more.

God is using our painful roads to prepare us for the Day we will arrive at the doorstep of our true Home –Heaven, the Place for which we were made. The Place we have been dreaming of all our life. The Place where we will see the Face of the One Who made us to know and find unending delight in Him. Forever. The Face that will finally satisfy that endless thirst.

And so, these dark nights, these unfulfilled hopes, these seemingly endless valleys– they are truly “blessings in disguise,” for as one of my favorite hymns so sweetly puts it, “Perish every fond ambition, // All I’ve sought, and hoped and known; // Yet how rich is my condition, // God and heav’n are still my own!” (Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken)

Note: I cannot end this post without remembering my dear friend, Amy, who constantly lived her life with her true Home in sight. She was never happier than when talking about what awaited her in Heaven. And now she is there, experiencing wonders beyond our greatest imagination! If you didn’t know Amy, you can learn a little more about her life here. May we live our lives as she did, longing for Heaven and the glories that await us in His presence.

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Health Update

Dear friends – Thank you once again for your patience! This past Tuesday, my parents and I returned from an appointment with my doctor at Hopkins, so here’s a quick update on where things are.

Over the past few weeks, I have maintained my weight and progressed forward in small increments. My doctor would like to increase my calories, hoping that this enables me to gain weight. This will require that my 24-hour feeding tube move up to a higher flow rate. If I have not gained by our next appointment in two weeks time, we may have to consider moving to TPN (Total Parental Nutrition) – nutrition fed intravenously through an arterial port, thereby avoiding the digestive tract entirely. The feeding tube would remain in place. We hope to avoid TPN if at all possible, due to its high risk of infection and the significant financial obstacle it presents, since it is not covered by insurance. The doctor’s goal is to get my weight up and then proceed with additional testing.

So for now I continue to battle in the strength that God supplies and pray for progress to be made over the next few weeks. The daily struggles with my constellation and complexity of symptoms continues, but there is MUCH for which to give thanks and praise Him.

Praise Reports:

• Over the past few weeks, I’ve maintained my current weight and have seen a slight increase.
• God continues to sustain me through the most difficult moments.
• God blessed me with a last minute, unexpected time away at the beach with most of my family (more on that to come) and has shown me so many mercies and kindnesses.
• God has been teaching me to sing hymns and songs of praise in the hardest moments.
• I continue to be upheld and undergirded by your constant prayers and encouragement. It is amazing to watch how notes and texts from friends and family arrive at “just the right moment.”

Prayer Requests:

• For the ability to tolerate an increased flow rate and gain weight (my body doesn’t adjust easily to higher flow rates, and the last time I tried to increase I had to back down).
• That I would be able to avoid TPN unless that is His best plan for me.
• For endurance, joy, and the ability to continually hope in God, walking by faith and not by sight.
• For wisdom for my doctor, parents, and me as we make decisions.
• For the ability to begin eating and drinking (I haven’t taken anything by mouth since early August) and help to cope with the ensuing symptoms which are severe.
• For relief and ability to endure the symptoms until God brings healing.
• That I might dwell on the goodness and mercy with which God daily showers me instead of the significant limitations I must endure for now.
• That I would rest wholly in the care of my Savior, for “there is no fear in love” (1 John 4:18), and that this wondrous love which I have been given in Christ would take greater root in my heart, bringing a deeper experience and knowledge of His love for me.
• While I firmly believe God has many more years for me on this earth, I want to see my longing for Heaven increase, while at the same time enlarging my gratitude for each gift in this life and making me more effective with the moments I have been given.
• That I would sing to Him, especially when all is darkest.
• That I would trust HIM to be my Deliverer, expecting great things.

Thank you all for your constant care, prayers, and love. I simply do not have words to tell you just what it means.