Choosing Thanksgiving?

Will I choose to give thanks? Even when my heart is breaking? My life (and yours) may be filled with disappointment, unspeakable heartache, and physical pain and brokenness, but there is always reason to choose thanksgiving. Choosing thanksgiving is the path to survival.

To overcoming.
To pressing on through the bleakest of circumstances. 
To not. giving. up.

When I give thanks my heart remembers that despair is not my only friend, that goodness exists, that love is real, and that
there is always hope.


Choosing thanksgiving when loss, pain, confusion, brokenness, or deepest grief speak loudest in my heart is sacrificial. But the irony is that in doing so, in fighting and choosing to search out and embrace what is beautiful and good. To grasp onto those things and say, "thank you." I push back the darkness. Right here, right now, in this dark place the light is breaking in, and I find meaning, life, hope - all things which seemed lost just moments ago.

Giving thanks is not pretending that everything is okay or that the pain is good.
No.
Far from it.

It is a reaching down beneath all that mess and muck to discover that the Everlasting Arms are still the Everlasting Arms. That they are still there.

Firm.
Secure.
Not letting go.

And I give thanks because I am safe. Held. And that security comes to me as a gift. Something I could not buy. Not with all the money in the world. But it cost someone else a great price. Far more than I could ever pay. And because that someone else paid, I am headed toward a Day when all my pain will be eclipsed by glory.

There will be Life. In all its fullness.

Unbroken Joy. Forever
and ever
and ever. 
And for that I cannot help but give thanks.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Hi friends,

A lot has taken place since I last posted, and I haven't been too good at linking my Facebook world updates to the blog world. I have put too many doctor's appointment updates up there over the past few months, so I'm just going to do my best to simply summarize the latest for now.

After visiting two different hematologists and two interventional radiologists (doctors who put in ports, PICC lines, etc.) the following things have become clear:

- My current PICC line should have been removed by now because of the amount of clotting and inflammation that is present. There doesn't appear to be any infection, so the line is still working and safe to use, but it is irritating the vein and preventing the clots from improving.

- A port placement was suggested by the hematologists but highly discouraged by others including the interventional radiologist who regularly puts these in for patients. If the port were to get infected, it would be a whole different story than an infected PICC line, which can be immediately pulled and IV antibiotics started. Not so with a port.

- An attempt to place a new PICC in my right arm was made this past Friday but had to be cut short due to the level of pain and resistance that my body put up. We could try again, but it is not clear whether or not my arm will accept the line until the shoulder region is seen and that only happens once the line placement is already in process. 

Today, my CBC showed concerning blood levels and lowered immune function. It is difficult to know how best to approach my anemia, but I may just need to have an iron infusion this week despite the risks. I'd like to avoid a blood transfusion if at all possible. Tomorrow I will see my hematologist and confirm whether these levels are really accurate or not. In the meantime the doctor says to limit my activity and rest more so my body can keep up.

Thank you all so much for your prayers! I especially need power from God to be able to tolerate drinking more fluids. Without progress in this area I am unable to go without a line or some type of venous access. It seems like a huge mountain, but I know it is not too big for Him! He continues to keep my life.  And I have so much to thank Him for!

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Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption. - Psalm 130:1, 2, 5-7