Choosing Thanksgiving?

Will I choose to give thanks? Even when my heart is breaking? My life (and yours) may be filled with disappointment, unspeakable heartache, and physical pain and brokenness, but there is always reason to choose thanksgiving. Choosing thanksgiving is the path to survival.

To overcoming.
To pressing on through the bleakest of circumstances. 
To not. giving. up.

When I give thanks my heart remembers that despair is not my only friend, that goodness exists, that love is real, and that
there is always hope.


Choosing thanksgiving when loss, pain, confusion, brokenness, or deepest grief speak loudest in my heart is sacrificial. But the irony is that in doing so, in fighting and choosing to search out and embrace what is beautiful and good. To grasp onto those things and say, "thank you." I push back the darkness. Right here, right now, in this dark place the light is breaking in, and I find meaning, life, hope - all things which seemed lost just moments ago.

Giving thanks is not pretending that everything is okay or that the pain is good.
No.
Far from it.

It is a reaching down beneath all that mess and muck to discover that the Everlasting Arms are still the Everlasting Arms. That they are still there.

Firm.
Secure.
Not letting go.

And I give thanks because I am safe. Held. And that security comes to me as a gift. Something I could not buy. Not with all the money in the world. But it cost someone else a great price. Far more than I could ever pay. And because that someone else paid, I am headed toward a Day when all my pain will be eclipsed by glory.

There will be Life. In all its fullness.

Unbroken Joy. Forever
and ever
and ever. 
And for that I cannot help but give thanks.

"Struck Down, but NOT Destroyed"

These honest words from 2 Corinthians 4:9 encapsulate my life at the present. This New Year's Eve is not what I envisioned - alone by a cold fireplace with the flu, the rest of the family sick and scattered. Christmas wasn't what I expected either. In fact, it was probably the most painful and difficult one I've known yet. And this past year was not what I expected. In and out of the hospital, fighting for survival, often moment by moment. Being without food and drink since the summer of 2011 as I subsisted on a feeding tube for the first year and then TPN for the past five months. Growing even more dependent on the aid of others for daily activities and life. But our lives aren't ever what we expected, are they?

Some may look at this story and pity me. Others may have seen far worse. In fact, I know they have. Some may want to pretend it away. Others may struggle with asking why. I've struggled, too. Countless times a day I struggle to endure and simply do the next thing. Struggle for hope that things could ever change. But through all of this, through all the broken dreams, shards of pain, dark nights, and dashed hopes - one Thing remains. The never-ending, unshakeable, unrelenting love of Christ. It is simply incredible to look back and see how He has never once stopped pursuing me even when I doubted, feared, questioned, grew angry. He kept running after me, kept sustaining me, kept blessing me, kept providing for me, kept showing me grace. I haven't often felt it, but I cannot deny the overwhelming evidence of His love. And He didn't have to do any of it. But He did because He is a compassionate, patient, and merciful God. He crushed His own Son so that I would never (in the ultimate sense) have to be crushed. Instead of abandoning me, He is with me in all of this. I am kept by His love and mercy.

So, tonight, as I look at the few remaining lonely hours left of 2012, I don't have to despair. It's true, I don't have answers for why I am so sick, why my heart is breaking over so many sad situations, why so many lives are broken. I don't know if in this life I will ever be able to eat again, ride a bicycle, drive a car, do simple household tasks, care for myself, etc. But I do know this - Jesus Christ has promised to be with me always. And one Day I will see Him face-to-face and ALL will be made new. There will be no more pain, sorrow, or tears. Broken dreams will be fulfilled in His presence. All will be well.

And until then I want to trust Him. I want to love Him more. I want to be a part of what He is doing in our broken world, helping bring a little more light, life, and redemption into the darkness. He came for those who could not save themselves. He is the only Deliverer. And I can't wait to see all the glorious things He is going to do in 2013. I am sure it will be far beyond all we could ask or imagine! :)

How Long, O Lord...?

...Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in Your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for He has been GOOD to me. - Psalm 13

Sometimes we feel forgotten. Sometimes it seems like the sorrow will never end. That it has taken up a permanent lodging place inside with no intention of leaving. Sometimes it seems that the enemy will never be vanquished. That the tormenting thoughts that all is lost, hopeless, or doomed to only worsen will erode us to the point where we feel powerless to wrestle with them one moment longer.

What do we do when it is so dark we cannot see? What if the darkness is so great that our enemies rejoice in our downfall and we never see the light again? What do we do when all inside and around us screams out:

Give up!
Stop believing!
It's hopeless...

We sing.
We sing of the Lord's "unfailing love."
We sing of His endless goodness.

Once again, it's Thanksgiving, and Christmas is waiting around the bend. I never thought that a year later I would find myself still unable to share in the meal, drink a cup of tea, or decorate the house. But this is where I find myself again. I could curl up and dwell on how much I'm missing out, or I could sing. I could recount His goodness. His mercies. His endless, unfailing, unrelenting, steadfast love.

Love. Unshakeable and immoveable. That is what has marked this past year. Yes, pain. Yes, suffering. Yes, questions. But also a love which has pursued me through it all. Which has never stopped providing just what I need. Which has proven to be unchanging even when I forget it's there. Even when I fail to acknowledge its existence. I truly have more than "10,000 Reasons" to praise Him. 

And so this Thanksgiving, I am looking back on a year filled with the unfailing love of the Lord, and because this love has never left me yet, I can trust it will not leave me tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that. It was a love that cost the very life of God's only Son. Do I think He could ever forget the ones He purchased at such a high cost? How quickly I forget but He does not.

And so I am asking Him to help me sing these words today and each day to come:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find....

Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; Speak of all His wonders.
- 1 Chronicles 16:9

November Update

Hi friends,

I am sorry that I have allowed these updates to fade away lately. I just have not had the physical ability to write much and have been relying on Facebook for sharing updates, since it is easier, but I know not all of you are on there, so I wanted to try to put something up here so you wouldn't be out of the loop for so long. Thank you for your patience.

A lot has happened since I last updated. I have seen my new doctor in Virginia a few times as well as her nutritionist, but my body has just been too sick to implement all the things she has suggested, which include a number of supplements to deal with pathogenic bacteria in my gut as well as healing inflammation and restoring a good balance of healthy flora.

She also thought I could have a rare mitochondrial disease that matched all my symptoms, so she sent me to a neurologist at Children's Hospital who specializes in this disease. The tests recently came back normal. I am grateful for that, but they would like to look into some other mitochondrial diseases at my follow-up appointment in January.

The past few months have been filled with learning more of the meaning of endurance, and I my sole source of nutrition has been through my TPN (intravenous nutrition) which runs for 12 hours each night. I am grateful that God is using this to keep me alive right now, yet many of my symptoms and pain have only increased with it. My weight is holding and making small, gradual gains, but I am feeling worse in so many ways.

My Hopkins doctor does not have any answers for me, and as I have prayed about what to do, God has brought several other practitioners across my path. One in particular has been able to help people who have tried everything else with no success, but she is incredibly busy (working 120+ hours a week), and we have not yet been able to connect. In the meantime, I continue to believe that implementing the GAPS Diet would be beneficial to me, although it is unlikely to solve all my issues. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell if my body is ready for it yet, as I have not been able to tolerate broths or anything for the past month or more. Despit this, a kind friend spent a great deal of time researching various certified GAPS practitioners around the country/world, and she compiled all that information together for me. I had a wonderfully encouraging conversation with one of them earlier this week, and she has offered to help me at no charge by phone & email. I am so grateful for this provision and for her care for someone she does not even know. I am trying some of the steps she has suggested and hope to be able to make some progress with her. At the same time, I am still praying that I would be able to get in touch with the other practitioner to see if she will be able to help prepare my body to be successful with something like GAPS, but if that door doesn't open, then God will provide another way.

When I was in the hospital this past August, I had my G-J tube removed and replaced with a simple G-button tube which could be used for crushing supplements and flushing them into my stomach, etc. The tube developed some type of bacterial/fungal overgrowth a month or so ago, so I went to Hopkins at 6:15 this morning to have that replaced. It was challenging but went fairly smoothly, and I am grateful to be back.

(Interjection - I know this is a very disjointed post, and I apologize for that. So much has happened since May when I last wrote a real update that I'm finding it difficult to know what to say and how to say it.)

The bottom line is that I'm basically at a place where I am dependent on TPN to stay alive since my J-tube feedings grew too difficult for me to tolerate, but I am finding the majority of my symptoms continue to remain or worsen with each passing day. My TPN is high in dextrose (corn sugar) which was found to be one of the foods to which I am most intolerant/sensitive, but they are not able to adjust this unless I am able to start getting in extra calories by mouth. I had thought to be on TPN for two weeks at most and hoped to begin tolerating broths/foods with the help of my new doctor, but that hasn't materialized, so I find myself in a place of continued waiting on the Lord's deliverance while also fighting each day to do what I can to make progress in any way possible.

I have been amazed to see His sustaining power, day after day, especially in the moments when I didn't see how another step would be possible. He is so very good. He provides again and again.

I continue to greatly need your prayers for endurance, hope, healing, and practical wisdom for the path ahead. Thank you for how you help lift the weight and carry it with me. I know that one day all this will be a distant memory or not even remembered when compared to the glory that will be revealed (Romans 8:18). He will help me hold on until that Day.
-------------------------------------------
"Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of His right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." - Psalm 20:6-7

"As Bright as the Day"

Dear friends-

Is everything dark right now? If so, I want to remind you, as I am even now reminding myself, that even the blackest darkness, the deepest night, the most seemingly hopeless pit is not dark to Him. Today has been one of those days when light was hard to find, yet it is into this darkness that the words of David, the psalmist, offer us incredible hope.

"Even the darkness is not dark to You;

the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You." 

~ Psalm 139:12

I may not see light. I may not see the way ahead. I don't even know what the next moment will bring! But there is One Who does. And for Him "the night is bright as the day." What a hope this brings. The darkness may be all-encompassing, pressing in on every side, suffocating. But He is greater still. The darkness will never overcome Him. It will never overwhelm Him. He will always see, and because He sees us in the midst of our darkness, we can be assured that He will carry us safely through it and back into the light. 

How can I have this assurance? Because His Son, Jesus, tasted the deepest, blackest darkness ever known when He suffered in my place and took my punishment. Once I was separated from God, but now I belong to Him forever, and no darkness can  keep me from Him or from the glories that await me in Heaven.

In the face of all my fears, in the face of the blackest darkness, or the most hopeless of circumstances, I can sing these words from one of my favorite songs: No fear can hold me down // Nor darkness steal my joy // For blood has been poured out // The enemy destroyed.

He has triumphed. The outcome is already secured. May that bring you hope today, regardless of what you see in or around you. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

---------------------------------------------------

Medical Update

Thank you all for your prayers for my Hopkins appointment last Tuesday. I definitely felt them, and God was faithful and kind to carry me through. The appointment was brief (practically five minutes), but clear directions were given. My doctor believes I should continue on my tube feeding at present and not move to TPN - a direct answer to your prayers! He asked me to work on increasing my tube feeding flow rate and said he would consider beginning testing later this month.

Over the past week, I've increased my flow rate a few notches, and God continues to sustain me through the pain and uphill climb. I have had some incredibly difficult days/moments as well as some brighter ones. He is good at all times, but those brighter moments have truly been precious gifts, shining all the brighter against the backdrop of the darkness. And in the midst of it all, I continue to be overwhelmed by your prayers and kindnesses. Thank you.

Praise God for answered prayer:

• No TPN for now.
• Ability to continue to move forward, one moment at a time.
• A gradual increase in weight.
• Daily mercies and kindnesses - more than can be counted!

Here are a few ways to pray:

• Ability to continue to tolerate my current flow rate and increase it.
• Weight gain and alleviation of the pain/complexity of symptoms.
• Wisdom regarding where to continue PT, as my home services are ending this Wednesday.
• Restorative sleep.
• That my immune system would be strengthened (my WBC is currently at one of its lowest points).
• That God would enable me to continue to persevere, especially whenever the next step seems impossible. (I know He will. The battle is just so intense. But He has already won the victory!)
• That He would bring across my path anything that would help put together the pieces of this puzzle and bring healing. 
• Peace and rest of body, mind, and heart.
• That He would be glorified in my great weakness.

"Thank you" just does not seem adequate, but I will say it anyway. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For every prayer. They are heard. They are answered. They make a difference.

--------------------------------------------

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You." - Psalm 39:7

"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." - 2 Corinthians 1:8-11