"Struck Down, but NOT Destroyed"

These honest words from 2 Corinthians 4:9 encapsulate my life at the present. This New Year's Eve is not what I envisioned - alone by a cold fireplace with the flu, the rest of the family sick and scattered. Christmas wasn't what I expected either. In fact, it was probably the most painful and difficult one I've known yet. And this past year was not what I expected. In and out of the hospital, fighting for survival, often moment by moment. Being without food and drink since the summer of 2011 as I subsisted on a feeding tube for the first year and then TPN for the past five months. Growing even more dependent on the aid of others for daily activities and life. But our lives aren't ever what we expected, are they?

Some may look at this story and pity me. Others may have seen far worse. In fact, I know they have. Some may want to pretend it away. Others may struggle with asking why. I've struggled, too. Countless times a day I struggle to endure and simply do the next thing. Struggle for hope that things could ever change. But through all of this, through all the broken dreams, shards of pain, dark nights, and dashed hopes - one Thing remains. The never-ending, unshakeable, unrelenting love of Christ. It is simply incredible to look back and see how He has never once stopped pursuing me even when I doubted, feared, questioned, grew angry. He kept running after me, kept sustaining me, kept blessing me, kept providing for me, kept showing me grace. I haven't often felt it, but I cannot deny the overwhelming evidence of His love. And He didn't have to do any of it. But He did because He is a compassionate, patient, and merciful God. He crushed His own Son so that I would never (in the ultimate sense) have to be crushed. Instead of abandoning me, He is with me in all of this. I am kept by His love and mercy.

So, tonight, as I look at the few remaining lonely hours left of 2012, I don't have to despair. It's true, I don't have answers for why I am so sick, why my heart is breaking over so many sad situations, why so many lives are broken. I don't know if in this life I will ever be able to eat again, ride a bicycle, drive a car, do simple household tasks, care for myself, etc. But I do know this - Jesus Christ has promised to be with me always. And one Day I will see Him face-to-face and ALL will be made new. There will be no more pain, sorrow, or tears. Broken dreams will be fulfilled in His presence. All will be well.

And until then I want to trust Him. I want to love Him more. I want to be a part of what He is doing in our broken world, helping bring a little more light, life, and redemption into the darkness. He came for those who could not save themselves. He is the only Deliverer. And I can't wait to see all the glorious things He is going to do in 2013. I am sure it will be far beyond all we could ask or imagine! :)