Once again, I apologize for the silence. Days have been especially tough of late, but there have been a few good ones thrown in the mix. I am writing to let you know that once again, things have taken unexpected turns – the adventure of life, right?
In my previous post, I had mentioned seeing a new doctor. Well, the morning of my appointment he called me unexpectedly and asked a number of questions regarding my medical history, symptoms, and current condition. The bottom line is that he did not feel best positioned to offer me the necessary help, and so the appointment didn’t take place. In the days following, my family and I have been praying about what to do next, while fighting to keep the food going down. My doctors continue to follow me, as well as keep up with regular labs.
When I look at the overall picture, I have definitely come a long way and made progress, but the present digestive challenges I am experiencing have been making it extremely difficult to put almost any kind of food into my system. In God’s kindness, I usually still have a mental appetite, but my body is simply not accepting the food and processing it.
The past few weeks and days have held some of the most difficult battles yet for me in this health journey, but in the face of these real struggles God has reminded me that I have often been in places before where there seemed to be no way through, yet He always made a way. He IS faithful. He IS merciful. He IS good. I must believe these things even in the moments when my symptoms seem insurmountable, and that is only a miracle of mercy. As I am writing these words, the lyrics of this song on the radio are playing:
No matter what, I’m gonna love You // No matter what I’m gonna need You // I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I’ll trust You // No matter what, no matter what. (“No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts)This is only possible by His Spirit’s power, and I would humbly ask that you pray that these words would be a reality in my life, no matter what comes. Thank you! If you would like to pray in other ways as well then here are some specifics:
• that God would make HIS way clear in front of me.Thank you all so very much. I am consistently overwhelmed at your care. It is so wonderful to know that He hears our prayers. Yesterday, at church, one of the pastors’ wives encouraged me from Psalm 16 that even as the boundary lines around me seem to be closing in and getting tighter and tighter, there IS joy to be found in the middle of them because God, Himself, is there. This is precious truth. No matter how much is taken way I can say with Job, “blessed be the name of the Lord.” Why? Because having Him equals everything. Life here is so fleeting. We are here today and gone tomorrow. But I was made to know Him, and He has promised to give satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment when I live in right relationship to Him. No sickness can take that away. All other good gifts flow from Him and are good because of Him.
• that both I and my parents would be given wisdom, endurance, and grace.
• that I would better learn the balance of living in utter dependence upon my good God, resting in His care for me, while at the same time being proactive and responsible to move forward with daily as well as more far reaching decisions, whether that’s choosing my next meal or what treatments to pursue.
• for ability to eat each meal, meet my calorie minimum (and even my goal) each day, gain weight, and improve overall. (Praise God that I was able to eat late last night and again today after feeling like it was impossible!)
• for God’s good and perfect will to be done.
Don’t misunderstand. I believe He desires me to be well and wants me to enjoy life here on this earth. But if I had to spend the rest of my life this sick, or even far worse, it would be okay because I would still have Him. And that is enough. “Because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken” (Psalm 16:8).
Praying that these thoughts somehow encourage you today, wherever you find yourself. As Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” Father, let us find that rest today in the only place it can be found – in You.
Preserve me, O God, for in You I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You.”
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For You will not abandon my soul….
You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. – Psalm 16:1-2, 5-10a, 11
