I learned upon waking yesterday that I would have to be
admitted to the hospital following my procedure so that my electrolytes and
things could be monitored once TPN was restarted. I hadn’t anticipated this, so
it was definitely a struggle for me. I felt so sick that I couldn’t imagine
going through a procedure and then staying in the hospital again with no sleep
and all of that fun stuff, but God was merciful and gave me the power to take
one step at a time. He is strong in our weakness.
I had a harder time with this procedure than anticipated or
than any previous ones. For some reason, I was more nauseous, weaker, foggier,
and in greater pain on the other side than I’d ever been before, but part of
that was probably because they intubated me for safety and took some additional
biopsies. I made it up to my room around 6pm yesterday. I have a sweet roommate
with pneumonia who likes to eat and watch lots of TV, but I get to be near the
window.
This afternoon I was still struggling a lot when my mom arrived
and helped me go downstairs to walk around a bit. We had only barely escaped
when my tube starting shooting out of my stomach at an alarming rate. We
managed to push it back in most of the way and returned to the room to page the
doctor. When he showed up many hours
later, he confirmed our suspicions that the balloon which anchors the tube
inside the stomach was not inflated with water as it should be, and there was
no way to be sure of the j-tube’s current location any longer. They had clipped
the tube in place with three metal clips, but it is unlikely that they are
still in place because of how far the tube came out. This is a temptation for
anxiety in wondering where they’re at now. My doctor is presently out of the
country, and the attending fellow said they will be discussing things, and then
my doctor will decide what to do this coming Monday.
In the meantime, they have started cycling my TPN tonight. I
will be on it for at least 24 hours straight, and then they may move the
infusion rate up and the hours down a bit based on how I’m responding. There
have been a number of differing opinions and some confusion regarding putting
me on tube feeds while I’m in the hospital at the same time as the TPN, so that
has been a challenge for me to work through today, but for now, I first have to
just get through fixing the tube once again.
So, it has been tough. I have been asking a lot of “why”
questions. Why a hard procedure that got me nowhere? Why do I have to go
through it all again on Monday or maybe even something worse? Why all these
hard symptoms with the TPN, too, that returned tonight? And the list could go
on and on. But I don’t have to have the answers. I belong to the One who knows
them all. His ways are higher than mine. He’s up to good things that I just can’t
fully see right now.
That is the truth, but I need your prayers. I need hope. I
need light in this dark place. I was encouraged by that theme today. God kept
bringing up darkness and light again and again. The words of Psalm 18:28 that a
friend texted me this evening have brought me hope when mine was almost gone – “You,
O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”
I am waiting in hope for His light to come in greater
fullness. I may only have a tiny match right now, but I can trust Him to keep
it burning when I can’t.
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