Thank you so much for praying for me today. My parents came up to be a support, and we spent most of the day waiting for my doctor to meet with us. He eventually did late this afternoon and said that he would like me to have a j-tube surgically placed. This is different than what I have had before. All of the prior procedures have been done by endoscopy and have not required sutures, a surgeon, etc. He says that my anatomy has changed and the tube being threaded down through the stomach and into the jejeunum is no longer working even though he tried to anchor it in with clips this past Thursday.
I need some time to pray about this and learn a little more before moving ahead, so I let him know I wanted to wait. In the meantime, he plans to pull out the messed up tube tomorrow morning at 8:45 and replace it with a G-button which will still give me access to my stomach. I will be going home from Hopkins on TPN for my nutrition again. After a few days of cycling, I just reached my regular night cycle of 12 hours last night.
Apparently, one of the reasons I felt so much sicker following the procedure last Thursday was that my doctor had so much trouble trying to get the tube to stay down where it was supposed to be, and it required more anesthesia and jiggling around. At least there was a reason for why I felt that way!
The past few days have been especially challenging as I have had the tube taped up and not functioning, while trying to adjust to the TPN again and fight through escalating symptoms and pain. Through all the desperate moments, God has not failed me, and He has sent the help I so desperately need. Sometimes it doesn't feel like that, but He never allows me to utterly sink beneath the waves.
So tonight, I need rest and then courage to continue to walk ahead after being discharged tomorrow. No one wants me to stay on TPN again. The risks are high, and I feel awful on it, but it keeps me alive. I will need wisdom to consider the j-tube surgery and if so, whether to have it done at Hopkins, etc. It is hard to think about going through with it, knowing that there is no guarantee that it will be successful on the other side, but if it was successful, it would be better for me than TPN.
All that to say, I have constantly been longing for freedom from all of this and am no hero. I don't want to keep fighting. I just want it to be over. I want to be free. It IS more than I can take. But it's not more than HE can take. He can enable me and promises to never stop doing it. Thank you for helping me not give up again and again.
So grateful. I love you all.
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"For NOTHING is impossible with God." - Luke 1:37
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