Not Unredeemed

Dear friends,

Once again, I cannot thank you enough for your prayers that carried me through my recent stay at Hopkins. God specifically enabled me to undergo tests which I thought nearly impossible. 

During the course of those three days, I saw neurologists, an occupational therapist, a physical therapist (who, it turned out, used to play soccer with my sister in middle school!), a speech therapist, and both medical and GI doctors. The CT scan of my abdomen required ingesting a liter of barium as well as IV contrast. It took a few hours to get the barium through my G & J tubes (since I had difficulty swallowing it), but I made it. They ran a large number of labs to check vitamin levels among other things (I honestly don't even know all that was done, as I have yet to receive my records.). The swallowing study was probably the most difficult test for me overall, but once again, grace was there for the exact moments I needed it.

Results? Well, the short version is simply that the cause of my symptoms remains a mystery. I am scheduled to meet with my doctor on June 20th for a follow-up, as he was out of town during my hospital stay. The CT scan was normal and was unable to pinpoint the source of my pain. The swallowing study revealed a few abnormalities, and the labs appeared to be fairly normal other than my being somewhat anemic. I was given a prescription for a month-long course of an antibiotic (used to treat bacterial overgrowth), and I switched to a different formula which is higher in calories, making it possible to take an 8-hour break from my pump within each 24-hour period. The new formula was not my preference, but the advantage of giving my digestive system a small rest is potentially worth it for the present.

Although I wasn't necessarily expecting anyone to stumble upon a a great discovery, I must admit I was hopeful. As I left the hospital, I found myself struggling to come to grips with the continuing reality that no one still really knew what was causing my symptoms, and I wasn't necessarily any better for having spent three days in the hospital. "But," I corrected myself, "there IS Someone who knows fully what is happening inside me. One who is not only intimately acquainted with what is wrong inside but also with my every thought, and doubt, and fear and who knows just how to lead me out." In all honesty, I didn't say those very words then and was actually struggling a good deal to remember this precious truth, but it IS true and it is what I need in this very moment. He has used and will continue to use human wisdom, skill, and knowledge to help me, but it all comes from Him. Every time I come face-to-face with the limitations of human help I am compelled to look up and see both the true Source of Help and my only Hope.

And so I continue to need Him as I will every moment of my life until I see Him with my own eyes. (I need You, Jesus!) As the pain of loss, confusion, fear, and what appears to be a never-ending road seem to hem me in on all sides, these lyrics from a song titled, "Unredeemed," have been such a comfort:

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed -Selah

I know a lot about shattered things. Lost things. Broken things. But I have a God who has promised that nothing, no matter how broken, no matter how many tiny shattered pieces lie before me, is too difficult for Him to put back together again. All the places in our hearts and lives that seem beyond hope are just waiting for Him to come in and restore, redeem, renew. I may see it tomorrow or I may see it in fifty years, but it is sure to come because He always keeps His promises.

Thank you for helping me wait, and hope, and endure until that day. I love you all.  

*Will try to post a prayer & praise update "soon" :)