Beyond My Strength

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He WILL deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. - 2 Corinthians 1:8b-11

Dear friends,

These words from Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians have taken on new meaning for me over the past several days. I have found myself continually faced with the reality that I cannot hold myself up. God is the only One Who can and Who can deliver me. And He has been faithful once again! I am so quick to doubt and fear, yet He remains ever true to His Word and His promises.

The past week, and especially the past several days have held some of my hardest moments yet. It has been a moment by moment fight. Yesterday, my dad took me to see the physician who has been treating my Lyme and coinfections as well as other areas. I expected to hear I was having a healing crisis and just needed to persevere, but instead, my doctor gave me the startling news that I was much improved even from the last time I saw him just a month ago! His examination revealed that my Lyme and coinfections are mostly gone as well as my Epstein-Barr and other viruses. My liver has improved, and even my adrenals are thought to be functioning a little better than before. All in all, he thinks my progress is good and encouraged me to continue with the treatment plan on which he has had me.

Well, you might think that hearing these things would be cause for great joy and gratitude, but as I lay there on the examination table, I burst into tears. This just did not fit with how my body felt in that moment or how difficult the past several days have been. As I reflected on this, I realized how quick I can be to put my hope for help in a person or particular treatment rather than in the God who created me and knows exactly what is going on inside of me, no matter how confusing it may appear to me. Doctors and medicine are gifts from God and used by Him to bring help and healing, but ultimately, my only hope is Him.

In the moments that have followed, God has been helping me to thank Him for the encouraging report that the doctor gave me and the incredible progress that has been made. At the same time, I have been wrestling with the realities of my remaining physical struggles and the onslaught of confusing symptoms and significant obstacles. Often, the battle is simply to endure another moment, but I am learning I must fight to rejoice in my “sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:3-5).

And so, rejoice with me in the incredible answer to prayer that my Lyme and coinfections have been dealt with, and my body is now attempting to recover from their damaging effects and begin to function again as it once did! This is an answer to your prayers, and it is not something to take for granted. It is significant.

At the same time, would you pray with me that God would show me, my parents, and doctors if there are any other steps to take in regards to my digestive system and the increasing struggles I have faced of late? It could simply be “the darkness before the dawn,” but we want to be faithful to pursue anything that would be important to address right now. When doctors don’t have answers, and the pieces grow too complicated for me to sort through, I am brought face-to-face with the reality of just how dependent and helpless I truly am. This is not something that I can plan my way out of or figure out how to avoid the discomfort. I am desperately in need of my great God to give light for the next step and strength to take those steps, one at a time. He continues to show His incredible faithfulness in enabling me to eat and endure. And, no matter how hard it has gotten, He has not allowed the waves to overwhelm me.

This past Sunday, my pastor warned us of the danger of allowing our opponents to grow bigger in our eyes than our God. I realized how I have allowed this to happen in my own life when it comes to my health and the daily onslaught of symptoms and fears. These have often grown bigger to me than my God, but the truth is they do not even possess a fraction of His power and authority. He is ruling this very moment over every cell in my body and “sits enthroned over the flood” (Psalm 29:10a). He can bring order to anything in my body that is not right, and nothing is too difficult for Him (Jeremiah 32:17).

And so, I am asking Him to increase my faith, to give me His peace, and to allow me to see His hand at work in wonderful ways in the days to come. He is my healer, and I can trust Him to lead me through the maze and fog of symptoms, opinions, treatments, and fears, and to hold me up when I cannot hold myself up. Thank you for standing with me in prayer and for reminding me of what is true again and again. Already, I can join with all of you in giving thanks “for the blessing granted [me] through the prayers of many,” and my desire is that in the days ahead I would once again be able to rejoice with you in these words as I see God’s hand answering your prayers for sustaining grace, faith, joy, peace, guidance, healing, and restoration of health. He is more than able!

Thank you all so much.

“Ah, Sovereign LORD, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for You.” – Jeremiah 32:17

Note: I recently posted a quote on my other blog that greatly encouraged me last night. I hope it does you as well!

Follow-Up

Thank you all for praying. I am so grateful for your prayers. I was able to receive some therapy for the hernia, but at this point, it is difficult to tell what's really going on down there. There are just so many potential factors and confusing symptoms that I can only cast this upon the Lord while continuing to talk with the doctors and practitioners who are helping me.

A fuller update is headed your way shortly!

Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. - Psalm 103:1-5

Brief Update

Hello, dear friends!

I know it's about time for a more lengthy update, but I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for your continued prayers and let you know about a few new hurdles I'm facing. In recent weeks, it has become clearer that some of my pain, discomfort, and difficulty with digestion and eating is related to the hiatal hernia I've had for at least several years. I'm not exactly sure what is going on, but since the pain and discomfort has increased in recent days I am looking into the possibility of treatment options. Tomorrow I plan to ask my PT for any thoughts he may have on the situation. Could you pray that God would give wisdom and/or heal this situation? In the past, it was mainly a small issue, but it has definitely grown more difficult to tolerate in recent days.

At the same time, I was reminded just yesterday at the incredible amount of grace I am continually given. There are people who feel so much worse than I do and yet press on with joy, serving their Lord and loving their families and friends. I don't want to lose sight of the amazing grace God pours out on me each and every day. I am a recipient of incredible mercy. Christ has taken all the punishment I deserve for the countless sins I daily commit against Him and others. Instead of consigning me to eternal separation from Him and all that is good, beautiful, and right, He has made me His own child and welcomed me into His family. This is only because of Jesus. This is why I can have help to press on each day.

Well, the title of this post included the word "brief," but those of you who know me have learned that doesn't mean too much by now. I do hope to share more with you all in the days ahead, but for now I will wrap up. Thank you for praying for me. God continues to answer your prayers. The fight for faith can be hard at times, but it is in the most difficult moments that your prayers give me help to take another step forward. Thank you!

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. - Isaiah 26:3-4