Surprises

Thank you all for your prayers for my appointment at Hopkins a few weeks ago. I truly felt them as God enabled me to communicate with my doctor and discuss next steps, even in the midst of great physical weakness. The brief update is that he was encouraged by my weight gain and scheduled a SmartPill test for May 7^th which will measure motility and collect other data related to GI function. He also ordered x-rays and bloodwork for various auto-immune diseases. Although I left the appointment still hesitant as to whether to continue with this doctor, it did seem reasonable to move ahead with the next test and then re-evaluate after hearing where my doctor would like to go after that. So I began trying harder to eat various foods and press through the pain while continuing on my feeding tube…that is until last weekend.

While taking a walk with one of my brothers, my j-tube accidentally ripped out. It was definitely a shock at first, and I will spare you the more unpleasant details, but I didn’t experience any additional pain beyond what I already was facing. A few hours later I found myself in the Hopkins ER where a doctor was able to fix my G-tube. She explained that I would have to come back on Monday to have the procedure done to reinsert the J-tube (which is what is used for all my formula/nutrition).

I was actually somewhat excited to be without my pump for the first time in eight months and wondered what God might have in store for me. I asked the doctor to give me a week to attempt to eat and drink enough by mouth without my feeding tube. Well, a week later I can say that God has truly sustained me through some of the biggest waves yet. Because of my difficulty swallowing, I have been relying on receiving all my fluids through my tube. I now had to get down at least three cups of water a day along with 2000 calories and all by mouth. God has enabled me to meet my calorie minimum and to meet or get close to my fluid minimum each day, despite my saying I couldn’t take another sip or swallow another bite. He has been so faithful. It has been amazing to see His enablement, yet it is difficult to know whether to continue pressing forward at this level or not, as my body is finding it incredibly difficult to process and tolerate the foods I have been eating.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be meeting with my doctor at 2:30 to ask questions and learn more regarding the procedure scheduled for this coming Tuesday at 12:30 to reinsert the J-tube. I would love to be able to continue fighting without the feeding tube, but I am not sure what is best.  I would not be honest if I did not say that the severity and complexity of the symptoms I have been experiencing have been incapacitating and quite scary. I don’t know the way ahead but I know my God sees perfectly.

I wish I had time to say more, but I need to move on to prepare for the appointment tomorrow. I cannot tell you all how MUCH it has meant to hear of your continual and faithful prayers. They have carried me through the most desperate of moments and continue to carry me still. What a merciful and faithful and good God we have. I don’t know what is best, but He truly does. I would love to be healed. I would love to be able to start drinking normally, digesting food, functioning as a whole person and not be on a feeding tube, but God knows so much better than I do what is best for my life. It’s not easy, but I want to say “not my will but Yours be done.”

I love you all so much and cannot wait to share with you all how God works in glorious ways in the days to come.  Thank you for lifting up my arms (literally and spiritually) again and again. He knows what He is up to! And it’s most likely something far beyond anything I would expect. His ways are higher than mine. And that is something I can take comfort in, even when I can’t see the end of the tunnel. He does. My physical body may fail and my earthly sustenance may be removed, but God will be “my Portion forever.”

Nevertheless, I am continually with You;
You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward You will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:23-26

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Ways to Pray:

• That the Lord would specifically give wisdom and guidance to the doctor, me, and my parents tomorrow and direct our conversation. 
• That He might lead me to a nutritionist who can help work with me more closely.
• For the power to persevere in eating and drinking and especially to be able to begin swallowing liquids and fight through the fear of choking (I’ve been relying mostly on homemade popsicles.
• For His glory to be displayed in my inability and weakness. He can choose to heal or to sustain me in my sickness, but He is the only reason I am still here today!
• For my eyes to be fixed on Him, not on the waves.

Hopkins Tomorrow

Hi dear friends-
This is going to be brief, but I thought you would want to know that I have a 1:30 appointment with my doctor tomorrow (actually today since it's after midnight) at Hopkins. This will be the first time I've seen him since last fall. I will be updating him on my present condition and hearing what tests he would like to run and how he would see me proceeding from here. I would be so grateful for your prayers, as my parents and I need much wisdom. Here are ways you can pray:

• Clear communication and the ability to explain my symptoms and current situation.
• Wisdom for both the doctor and us regarding how to proceed from here in so many areas including testing, eating, and other details. We are also not sure whether to stay with him or to consider a doctor at Georgetown whom we saw for a second opinion.
• Peace and rest in the Lord's care and control.
• Sleep tonight and grace to press through my symptoms tomorrow. Have been feeling so bad today and also feel like I'm coming down with a virus or possibly strep. 
• That God would bring healing in His perfect time and display His power and glory in keeping me in the meantime.
• Hope, greater faith, and joy in praising Him while I wait. He is worthy of it at all times!
• For His truth to renew my mind and guard my thoughts, keeping me from fear.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. Since I last posted, I have been able to eat numerous times but my body is having difficulty processing, digesting, and swallowing. I need to persevere in this area as well as with drinking but it can be so difficult. God has been so good to help me through your prayers.

I look forward to sharing with you how He answers once again! Thank you for helping me fight onward and cling to the One Who holds onto me even when I cannot. So grateful. 

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,  
but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever. - Psalm 73:26

Prayer Request

It has been a long time. Please forgive me. I never intended to stop posting but daily life became such a battle that I just have not been able to get online these days. Thank you all for still caring and praying for me. It means more than you can know.

Just a brief update and request for prayer. I have been able to gradually gain weight as I continue on my tube feeding but have had increased symptoms. Lately, it has grown increasingly difficult to get through the moments of the day and to sleep at night. I feel like I'm treading water almost constantly. Even so, God has faithfully sustained me and continues to uphold my life on all sides.

I have not been able to eat by mouth since last August and plan to start trying again beginning this evening or tomorrow. It is an incredibly daunting step, as my symptoms are so challenging, but I know I must step out and press forward. Would you pray? Thank you. So very, very much. As I move forward in this area, we will see how I respond and take that information back to whichever doctor will be overseeing my treatment.

So grateful for each of you. And thank you for being patient with me. I have not been able to read emails or check Facebook, but I look forward to being able to again sometime soon. 

He is our only Hope. He Who has brought our souls to life through His Son is more than able to strengthen and heal our physical bodies. He is wise. I can wait for Him and trust Him, no matter what. 

"I saw the Lord always before me.
   Because He is at my right hand,
   I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
   my body also will rest in hope,
because You will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
   You will not let your holy one see decay.
You have made known to me the paths of life;
   You will fill me with joy in Your presence." - Acts 2:25-18


But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. - 2 Corinthians 4:7-10


If you’re a Christian suffering with great pains and losses, Jesus says, “Be of good cheer” (John 16:33, NKJV). The new house is nearly ready for you. Moving day is coming. The dark winter is about to be magically transformed into spring.

—Randy Alcorn

Heading to Hopkins (Again)

Hi friends- Last Tuesday when we went up to Hopkins, my doctor wasn't able to see me. He was suddenly able to work us in today, so we'll be heading up in a few minutes for a 12:30 appointment. So grateful for your prayers. How I need them.


"Your way was through the sea, Your path through the great waters; yet Your footprints were unseen.  You led your people like a flock..." Psalm 77:19

Mists and Fogs

Hi friends,

So sorry for the long silence. We did go up to Hopkins a few weeks ago, but my doctor was stuck in procedure, so the appointment ended up getting pushed until tomorrow at 12:30. God has continued to keep me and carry me through some incredibly difficult moments. He has enabled me to increase my feeding tube's flow rate and also put on a few pounds. All glory to Him! 

Even so, there are still no answers or relief in sight for the complexity of symptoms I am experiencing. There are many moments when taking just one more step feels like the the most impossible of impossibilities. Tonight, it is hard to simply squeeze these words out in the midst of the pain, but I am so aware that every time I want to give up, I have a God who will not let me. He continues to carry me onward and never fails. Never. No matter how many times I fail. And that's a lot! Again and again, I see His hand of sustaining mercy and infinite kindness. He continues to use your prayers to keep me. Thank you so very much.

Tonight, I long to simply rest in Jesus. To know that if I have Him, I have everything. All I need. My body may not be able to rest; I may suffer; I may not know what the next moment holds; my life may be spiraling out of my control, but true reality is that my life has never been in my control. I am in His hands. 

He knows the way I take, and I want to wait expectantly for His rescue and deliverance. If you could pray that I would truly know these things in my heart, I would be so grateful. You can also pray for wisdom and clarity for the doctor and my family as we navigate these deep waters. It is difficult to see the way ahead, but I know my God sees clearly and that is enough. 

So grateful for each of you. And deeply humbled and blessed by your constant care.

What if, sometimes, there are mists and fogs so thick that I cannot see the path? ‘Tis enough that You hold my hand, and guide me in the darkness; for walking with You in the gloom–is far sweeter and safer than walking alone in the sunlight!

Dear Lord, give me grace to trust You wholly, whatever may befall; yielding myself up to Your leading, and leaning hard on You when “dangers are in the path.” Your way for me has been marked out from all eternity, and it leads directly to Yourself and home!" - Susannah Spurgeon

Hopkins Tomorrow

Hello friends - this is going to be brief for which I apologize (it's been hard to write lately but when I can, I will). Tomorrow, my parents and I have a 12:30 follow-up appointment with my doctor at Hopkins. We continue to need the Lord's help and wisdom and trust He will lead, provide, and uphold as He has faithfully done each step of the way. I am so very grateful for your prayers. My symptoms continue to be intense and difficult to cope with, but in each moment, He never forsakes me. How grateful I am that this does not change according to how I feel but remains true because of who He IS.

This quote, sent by a dear friend, has blessed me so much in recent days:

Times of adversity are seasonable times to trust in God. When we have no bread to eat, or water to drink, but only afflictions and astonishments, this is a time not for over-grieving, murmuring, sinking, desponding, despairing, but for trusting. In a tempest a believer must cast his anchor upward. Trust is a believer's choicest antidote against fainting, swooning, and sinking...Amidst all storms, winds, and tempests, yea, in a hurricane of sorrow and misery, faith knows where and how to cast anchor. “Let not your hearts be troubled” (John 14:1)...God has extraordinary means to bear us up when ordinary ones fail. He can turn poisons into antidotes, hindrances into furtherances, and destructions into deliverances. The ravens give Elijah food. A whale becomes Jonah's ship, and pilot too. An Almighty God can work without means. God often brings His people into such a condition that they do not know what to do. He does this that they might know what He can do. God is with His people at all times, but He is most sweetly with them in the worst of times. - Thomas Lye

Thanking Him afresh for each of you tonight and asking the Lord to once more "turn the darkness before me into light."

Charissa


"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him. Truly He is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Fortress, I will never be shaken." - Psalm 62:1-2

"As Bright as the Day"

Dear friends-

Is everything dark right now? If so, I want to remind you, as I am even now reminding myself, that even the blackest darkness, the deepest night, the most seemingly hopeless pit is not dark to Him. Today has been one of those days when light was hard to find, yet it is into this darkness that the words of David, the psalmist, offer us incredible hope.

"Even the darkness is not dark to You;

the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You." 

~ Psalm 139:12

I may not see light. I may not see the way ahead. I don't even know what the next moment will bring! But there is One Who does. And for Him "the night is bright as the day." What a hope this brings. The darkness may be all-encompassing, pressing in on every side, suffocating. But He is greater still. The darkness will never overcome Him. It will never overwhelm Him. He will always see, and because He sees us in the midst of our darkness, we can be assured that He will carry us safely through it and back into the light. 

How can I have this assurance? Because His Son, Jesus, tasted the deepest, blackest darkness ever known when He suffered in my place and took my punishment. Once I was separated from God, but now I belong to Him forever, and no darkness can  keep me from Him or from the glories that await me in Heaven.

In the face of all my fears, in the face of the blackest darkness, or the most hopeless of circumstances, I can sing these words from one of my favorite songs: No fear can hold me down // Nor darkness steal my joy // For blood has been poured out // The enemy destroyed.

He has triumphed. The outcome is already secured. May that bring you hope today, regardless of what you see in or around you. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

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Medical Update

Thank you all for your prayers for my Hopkins appointment last Tuesday. I definitely felt them, and God was faithful and kind to carry me through. The appointment was brief (practically five minutes), but clear directions were given. My doctor believes I should continue on my tube feeding at present and not move to TPN - a direct answer to your prayers! He asked me to work on increasing my tube feeding flow rate and said he would consider beginning testing later this month.

Over the past week, I've increased my flow rate a few notches, and God continues to sustain me through the pain and uphill climb. I have had some incredibly difficult days/moments as well as some brighter ones. He is good at all times, but those brighter moments have truly been precious gifts, shining all the brighter against the backdrop of the darkness. And in the midst of it all, I continue to be overwhelmed by your prayers and kindnesses. Thank you.

Praise God for answered prayer:

• No TPN for now.
• Ability to continue to move forward, one moment at a time.
• A gradual increase in weight.
• Daily mercies and kindnesses - more than can be counted!

Here are a few ways to pray:

• Ability to continue to tolerate my current flow rate and increase it.
• Weight gain and alleviation of the pain/complexity of symptoms.
• Wisdom regarding where to continue PT, as my home services are ending this Wednesday.
• Restorative sleep.
• That my immune system would be strengthened (my WBC is currently at one of its lowest points).
• That God would enable me to continue to persevere, especially whenever the next step seems impossible. (I know He will. The battle is just so intense. But He has already won the victory!)
• That He would bring across my path anything that would help put together the pieces of this puzzle and bring healing. 
• Peace and rest of body, mind, and heart.
• That He would be glorified in my great weakness.

"Thank you" just does not seem adequate, but I will say it anyway. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For every prayer. They are heard. They are answered. They make a difference.

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"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You." - Psalm 39:7

"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." - 2 Corinthians 1:8-11